Writing Wrongs Episode 17
Need to catch up on the shenanigans? Here’s the low down from our infamous poet, Oddmar. Join us tonight for more adventures on https://twitch.tv/ curseddragonship at 7pm CT.
Leaving Home (Never Shared)
This is about the events leading up to Oddmar’s arrival on the Cursed Dragon Ship. It doesn’t require too much explanation.
Because Vagr is a jerk who made me kill him and his friends,
I had to leave home and now I must make amends.
But I’m still a little bitter about it, damn Vagr’s lies,
as I float the open water on a bunch of dead guys.
Oh look, there’s a boat, with some elves and other things.
I hope I don’t have to kill any of them too.
Rings.
Because Vagr is a jerk who made me kill him and his friends,
I had to leave home and now I must make amends.
But I’m still a little bitter about it, damn Vagr’s lies,
as I float the open water on a bunch of dead guys.
Oh look, there’s a boat, with some elves and other things.
I hope I don’t have to kill any of them too.
Rings.
Someone Else’s Curse
During the first session, the Cursed Dragon Ship was attacked by giant crabs. After the crew fought them off, Helm, the god of Justice (who Oddmar does NOT like) flew down out of the sky and pressed the crew into his service for the unexplained sins of Captain Wyvern.
The Dragon Ship found me and took me in,
when I owned nothing more than torn shark fins.
So despite Captain Wyvern watering down the gin,
when crabs attacked I helped her defend.
Uh… the ship.
For my trouble I’m burdened with the bad captain’s curse,
no one knows why, and Helm is just the worst.
With crabs in my belly and nothing in my purse,
now I have to go do her stupid bullshit.
Or her stupid verse, I guess? Those go in poems.
The Dragon Ship found me and took me in,
when I owned nothing more than torn shark fins.
So despite Captain Wyvern watering down the gin,
when crabs attacked I helped her defend.
Uh… the ship.
For my trouble I’m burdened with the bad captain’s curse,
no one knows why, and Helm is just the worst.
With crabs in my belly and nothing in my purse,
now I have to go do her stupid bullshit.
Or her stupid verse, I guess? Those go in poems.
Mushroom Island
The first adventure sent our crew to an island inhabited by lizard folk, who were bamboozled by Reiland, a criminal pretending to be their god, and in the service of some darkly mysterious two-headed entity.
Our ship stopped at the Island of Stinks,
where men made of lizards get up to mushrooms hijinks.
Their god is a tiny man who steals and hoodwinks,
and Valtrex maybe went to high school with him or something I think?
Our ship stopped at the Island of Stinks,
where men made of lizards get up to mushrooms hijinks.
Their god is a tiny man who steals and hoodwinks,
and Valtrex maybe went to high school with him or something I think?
Shirt Tag
The mushrooms on this island possessed hallucinogenic properties…
Don’t wash an Oddmar in a bucket.
If you do you will surely needs chuck it.
For barbarian women
won’t clean blood out of linen,
fuckity fuck-fuck, fuck fuck fuck, and fuck it.
Don’t wash an Oddmar in a bucket.
If you do you will surely needs chuck it.
For barbarian women
won’t clean blood out of linen,
fuckity fuck-fuck, fuck fuck fuck, and fuck it.
The Rowing Shanty v1 (Never Shared)
This is the first pass at a song requested by the chat. It was ultimately turned down because Oddmar’s wife thought it was too dark.
We row for the West,
and we hope for the best,
gold, riches, and treasure!
Steer for the blonde lasses,
or sleep in sea grasses,
your fate is already measured.
So leave home for chance,
and ready your lance,
for gold, riches and treasure!
And if we should die,
then damn the gods’ eyes,
far from home – far from love – our true treasure.
We row for the West,
and we hope for the best,
gold, riches, and treasure!
Steer for the blonde lasses,
or sleep in sea grasses,
your fate is already measured.
So leave home for chance,
and ready your lance,
for gold, riches and treasure!
And if we should die,
then damn the gods’ eyes,
far from home – far from love – our true treasure.
The Rowing Shanty v1
This is the version of the song that actually got made. Happily, due to a technical glitch, most of it went unheard.
We’re rowing west for plunder and loot.
A raider’s life at sea-oh!
Kill the fighters and pluck the fruit.
A raider’s life for me-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down,
Only dead men are carefree-oh!
Look out for Zaephin, he’s quite the brute.
He makes them cower and pee-oh!
But next to Oddmar he looks so cute.
Taller than a tree-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down.
Swab the blood off their money-oh!
Protect your brothers and sisters all.
They are so weak and wee-oh!
Alone at sea they’d surely fall.
Despite their bravery-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down.
Only dead men are carefree-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down.
Only dead men are carefree-oh!
We’re rowing west for plunder and loot.
A raider’s life at sea-oh!
Kill the fighters and pluck the fruit.
A raider’s life for me-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down,
Only dead men are carefree-oh!
Look out for Zaephin, he’s quite the brute.
He makes them cower and pee-oh!
But next to Oddmar he looks so cute.
Taller than a tree-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down.
Swab the blood off their money-oh!
Protect your brothers and sisters all.
They are so weak and wee-oh!
Alone at sea they’d surely fall.
Despite their bravery-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down.
Only dead men are carefree-oh!
Burn the town,
but keep your head down.
Only dead men are carefree-oh!
Centipede (Never Shared)
After the island, the crew sailed to Daggerford, where they immediately encountered a bajillion giant centipedes streaming up out of a sewer. They quickly switched to their giant-centipede-stompin’ boots.
They boil from below.
Centipedes poison and bite.
Bugs are all gooshed now.
They boil from below.
Centipedes poison and bite.
Bugs are all gooshed now.
In the Lair of the Old Man
The centipedes were just the opening act for The Old Man, criminal kingpin and Valtrex’s father. Despite their turbulent relationship, he treated the crew well, giving them sandwiches instead of dungeon time when they tried to rob him.
In the lair of the Old Man,
who guards his wealth with traps,
designed to lower the lifespan,
of thieves whose judgement has lapsed.
In the lair of the Old Man,
where flying cats abound.
They have no real attention span,
when flying rats aren’t around.
In the lair of the Old Man,
spills Valtrex Razor’s past.
Father-daughter relationship in the trash-can,
but decent sandwiches for breakfast.
In the lair of the Old Man,
who guards his wealth with traps,
designed to lower the lifespan,
of thieves whose judgement has lapsed.
In the lair of the Old Man,
where flying cats abound.
They have no real attention span,
when flying rats aren’t around.
In the lair of the Old Man,
spills Valtrex Razor’s past.
Father-daughter relationship in the trash-can,
but decent sandwiches for breakfast.
The Pit (Never Shared)
Oddmar destroyed the reigning champion in The Old Man’s fighting pit and made some cash for the crew. On their way back to their inn, the crew was ambushed by one of The Old Man’s criminal stooges who bet on the other guy.
The fighting pit is for the daring and brave,
those who risk blood for gold.
The betting ring is for the money they crave,
and those who are getting too old.
Strong Man is the villain of this bloody sand pit,
sends foe after foe to the ground.
But against Half-Giant the champion turned chickenshit,
and was defeated in only one round.
But what of Half-Giant’s friends, too frightened to fight,
and without the faith to lay bets?
Have no fear, Oddmar’s here to set your fears to right,
and spread ‘round his newly gained assets.
And then we bought some stuff and got attacked in an alley.
The fighting pit is for the daring and brave,
those who risk blood for gold.
The betting ring is for the money they crave,
and those who are getting too old.
Strong Man is the villain of this bloody sand pit,
sends foe after foe to the ground.
But against Half-Giant the champion turned chickenshit,
and was defeated in only one round.
But what of Half-Giant’s friends, too frightened to fight,
and without the faith to lay bets?
Have no fear, Oddmar’s here to set your fears to right,
and spread ‘round his newly gained assets.
And then we bought some stuff and got attacked in an alley.
A Lady in an Alley
It seems unlikely she’ll do that again.
A lady in an alley tried to kill us,
though we met her with kindness and love.
Our peaceful words she mistrusts,
So we beat her to death… kind of.
We delivered her home to the Old Man,
a bloody bag of anger and treason.
From the fire back to the fry-pan,
for hunting Valtrex out of season.
A lady in an alley tried to kill us,
though we met her with kindness and love.
Our peaceful words she mistrusts,
So we beat her to death… kind of.
We delivered her home to the Old Man,
a bloody bag of anger and treason.
From the fire back to the fry-pan,
for hunting Valtrex out of season.
‘Neath the Waves
The Cursed Crew picked up passengers in Daggerford, a bunch of elves on their way to a wedding. The bride is half sea elf and half triton, an unusual combination that matches Ishanas’s estranged daughter.
Back on board the Cursed Dragon Ship,
the crew sails toward a destination wedding.
Dinner is crab, potato and parsnip,
All served with a crispy beer breading.
But who is getting hitched? No one knows.
Is it Ishanas’s long and lost daughter?
Has she his eyes, his chin, or his nose?
So like him, but hopefully hotter.
Back on board the Cursed Dragon Ship,
the crew sails toward a destination wedding.
Dinner is crab, potato and parsnip,
All served with a crispy beer breading.
But who is getting hitched? No one knows.
Is it Ishanas’s long and lost daughter?
Has she his eyes, his chin, or his nose?
So like him, but hopefully hotter.
Half-Triton in a High-Elf World
Having now met Vonashon the half-breed bride and Aralok the high elf groom, we learn that she is in fact his daughter. Ishanas reveals that he has an incurable degenerative disease and is concerned that he may have passed it to her.
Vonashon’s just a half-triton in a high elf world,
her hair is swishy,
her breath is fishy,
and tomorrow her skirts will be unfurled.
‘Cause in the morning Von’s marrying Aralok,
her high elf pick,
and kind of a dick,
with a mouth like a rotten wind sock.
But we love them because Ishanas is her sire,
so when wedding-time comes,
we’ll play strings, pipes, and drums,
and we’ll pretend that it’s not a trash fire.
Vonashon’s just a half-triton in a high elf world,
her hair is swishy,
her breath is fishy,
and tomorrow her skirts will be unfurled.
‘Cause in the morning Von’s marrying Aralok,
her high elf pick,
and kind of a dick,
with a mouth like a rotten wind sock.
But we love them because Ishanas is her sire,
so when wedding-time comes,
we’ll play strings, pipes, and drums,
and we’ll pretend that it’s not a trash fire.
Behind the Sludge Curtain
The city of the sea elves is surrounded by plumes of toxic sludge, where the elf-criminal Lurch keeps his chests of goodies. Zaephin owes Lurch 15,000 gp (!), so the Cursed Crew agrees to retrieve the chests for him in exchange for forgiveness of Zaephin’s debt, and his subsequent not-getting-murdered.
Penelope invited us to tour the city,
even the parts that are kinda shitty.
Broke Aralok of Myth Drarnar wanted an affair,
but Dollitrice did not have the two minutes to spare.
Vonashon meanwhile expressed her thrill in us,
While Zaefin’s nemesis Lurch loomed villainous.
Finally the Cursed Crew battles Lurch’s dark-lings,
who chased away all the dwarfs wearing water wings.
Now the conflict awaits, can the crew outlast…
all the time the DM spends on her other podcast?
Penelope invited us to tour the city,
even the parts that are kinda shitty.
Broke Aralok of Myth Drarnar wanted an affair,
but Dollitrice did not have the two minutes to spare.
Vonashon meanwhile expressed her thrill in us,
While Zaefin’s nemesis Lurch loomed villainous.
Finally the Cursed Crew battles Lurch’s dark-lings,
who chased away all the dwarfs wearing water wings.
Now the conflict awaits, can the crew outlast…
all the time the DM spends on her other podcast?
Attacking the Darkness
Details of the battle against the darkling forces behind the sludge. As it turns out, they too are working for Reiland, and they identify the mysterious two-headed figure as the demon prince, Demogorgon.
Every one of our heroes braced against attack,
but the darklings just dogpiled Oddmar anyway.
While Ishanas sang the enemy to sleep with the voice of Bane,
Valtrex clawed them into hot-pink acid puree.
With crashing thunder Dollitrice endangered Master Fault,
who still sorta hated her for stealing his bedclothes.
Zaefin murdered a bad guy though our plans were to disable,
“Death is a kind of disability,” Fault later proposed.
Too scared to fight further, the darklings all did back down,
and Zaefin the false prophet questioned them with torture, bribes, and bourbon.
Under command of Reiland they want to spread the dark wide,
and with the aid of a hag they’ll summon the Demogorgon.
Will the Cursed Crew defeat the dirty sea crone,
in her Thunderdome of darkness and rot?
Or will they be killed to a man in the chill ocean depths?
And if so, who wrote this game’s plot?
Every one of our heroes braced against attack,
but the darklings just dogpiled Oddmar anyway.
While Ishanas sang the enemy to sleep with the voice of Bane,
Valtrex clawed them into hot-pink acid puree.
With crashing thunder Dollitrice endangered Master Fault,
who still sorta hated her for stealing his bedclothes.
Zaefin murdered a bad guy though our plans were to disable,
“Death is a kind of disability,” Fault later proposed.
Too scared to fight further, the darklings all did back down,
and Zaefin the false prophet questioned them with torture, bribes, and bourbon.
Under command of Reiland they want to spread the dark wide,
and with the aid of a hag they’ll summon the Demogorgon.
Will the Cursed Crew defeat the dirty sea crone,
in her Thunderdome of darkness and rot?
Or will they be killed to a man in the chill ocean depths?
And if so, who wrote this game’s plot?